Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

When you put it that way… 😂

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

Oceanography is all about current events

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.