Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
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[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back