Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis