Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it