Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.