Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
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[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong