Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

yeet

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.