Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
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I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
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No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it