Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.