Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i dont have time for this

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

relationship goals

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.