Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

December birthdays be like…