Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
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“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
tell em, edith-anne
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
*launders Kohls cash*
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it