Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
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Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain