Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
huge if true: the moon
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Lmbo
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
We will use anything but the metric system
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.