Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
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prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
First I was a pebble..
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.