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me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
How to make infinite energy.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning