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GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there