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I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
How it started: How it’s going:
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
never compromise your values
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake