Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
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Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”