Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
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A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”