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My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
