Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

Do not steal food from the science building!

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.