Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles