Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
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if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.