Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
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Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.