Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
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Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Have a lovely day 😊
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did