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I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Mummies are just super modest zombies
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.