Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.