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What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Finished stitching this today 😇
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Note to self: always read the final line
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.