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You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.