Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
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The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.