Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
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WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I think the cat got the dog high.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though