Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
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WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years