“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
A roof is a house hat.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
They got Raph!
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.