“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
You Might Also Like
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.