Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
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Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
You know I’m something of a chef myself
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.