Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
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Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Salad is the decaf of food.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault