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me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
every. time.
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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
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Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
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The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
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Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.