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[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
