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I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Good boy 😂😂
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.