Now wait a minute- 馃槶馃槶馃槶
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Just as the prophecy foretold
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you鈥檙e quite sure it isn鈥檛 yours.
I鈥檓 the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyonc茅 “
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Sure, I鈥檓 uncomfortable, but only in situations
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
the gym I鈥檝e been going to isn鈥檛 helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me