HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
You Might Also Like
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet