Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.