Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
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Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
☺️
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.