@UncleDuke1969

Now, where’s the sport in that?

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@JessObsess

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

@MissItAintMe

Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was “pulling me over”

You need a ride! Duh

@geowizzacist

My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.

Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.

3: That’s because I flushed.

@EndhooS

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

@VoNwosu

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

@Rlpihl

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

@NicestHippo

In my day cartoons made sense. Chipmunks did all the rescue rangering and a rich duck swam in gold coins like they were water

@HomeWithPeanut

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?