Now, where’s the sport in that?

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I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.


Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was “pulling me over”

You need a ride! Duh


My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.

Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.

3: That’s because I flushed.


[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.


When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?


Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.


In my day cartoons made sense. Chipmunks did all the rescue rangering and a rich duck swam in gold coins like they were water


My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?