Now, where’s the sport in that?
You Might Also Like
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
You saw nothing. I am ham.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Jogging
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST