Now who done made this a sport lmao
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[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Creepy-crawlies
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
3% human
97% stress
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.