Now who done made this a sport lmao
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[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
That took me a moment.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Seek kebab; not attention
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.