Now who done made this a sport lmao
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[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
this post was so formative to me
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
My neck my back my allergy attack
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Sponch
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
How do dragons blow out candles?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you