Now who done made this a sport lmao
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My inexpensive home security system…
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.