*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.