Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

[Wine tasting]

Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?

— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

I think about this a lot

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

concern

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???