Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

This is a sub tweet

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall