Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
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Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
If only.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe