Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”