Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
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Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok