Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
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Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.