“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
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People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
okay run it by me one more time
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?