Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
You Might Also Like
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.