Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

Sing it!

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

Worth remembering.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot