Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
☠️
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.