Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
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My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
where the womens at?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
This makes total sense…
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around