Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
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People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
This classic never gets old . . .
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse