NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.