Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?