Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.