Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

peep davidson

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner