NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
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He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I wanna be friends with this person
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.