You Might Also Like
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Breakfast for Stoners:
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room