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“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Oh thanks BBC.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.