Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

this will hang in the louvre one day

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you