NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
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Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”