Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

bad news gang

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri